I have been thinking about what happens when loved ones die for a while. The thought has been niggling in the back of my mind and has refused to let go. I first started having them in the weeks following my mom’s passing.
That unhappy event opened my eyes to a lot of things people go through when dealing with a loss. One of such things was the questions people were wont to ask when they heard the news of a person’s passing.
They ask, “What happened? Was he/she sick? Was it an accident?” and lots more. I was bombarded with dozens of these questions or their close substitutes. I discovered that the questions put me in a position of having to defend myself.
Sounds odd, right? I will explain.
The circumstances surrounding my mom’s death were a bit confusing. She was very active up till the hour of her passing. One minute she was there, hale and hearty, settling down to a meal and the next, she was gasping for breath and bidding goodbye to the world.
We were bewildered, grievously confused and full of “Whys?”
We were trying to wrap our heads around what happened and trying to see if there was something we could have done to prevent it – all while battling feelings of guilt.
I have come to recognise that guilt as Survivor’s Guilt.
Amid this emotional upheaval, I had people asking me questions like, “Was she sick?”, “Was she hypertensive?” and others like it.
Every time I answered one of these questions, I found myself asking if there was something I could have done to prevent her from passing. Maybe I should have insisted she rested more? Or barricaded the door to prevent her from going about her business? Or being sensitive to some illness she had been battling with?
The crux of the matter was that I found myself in a position of having to defend me.
And I was not alone.
My dad had a spotlight on him. He had to narrate the events leading up to her death every day to varying groups of people. He had to relive the horrors of that terrible day every time people came to visit him.
And why was that?
Because people had a morbid need to satisfy their curiosity.
The point I am making is this:
Asking those questions and having them answered by the bereaved has no benefit to the bereaved or the questioner – except to satisfy one party’s curiosity.
Is that not an unkind thing to do?
Why give a person more pain because you are curious?
It got so bad with my dad that he came to me one night with deep pain in his eyes and asked me, “Tobi, did I not take proper care of your mom?”
Can you imagine that?
I was now put in a position of comforting him and reassuring him that his wife’s passing was not his fault. Where were all his questioners at this time? They had gone back to their own lives without a thought of the mayhem they had left behind!
Seriously?!
I remember only once where somebody exercised tact when they came visiting.
It was a group of pastor’s wives. They had come to see dad and he was about to start his narration all over. One of the women reached out to him and said, “Reverend, there’s no need to go over it again. We all know what happened.”
I felt such a rush of gratitude towards that woman!
The thrust of this post is to draw attention to this seemingly innocuous behaviour. It is not innocuous, people! It is not a show of concern either! It is a tactless show of curiosity and it should be stopped!
When a person you know becomes bereaved, try to have the strength to offer comfort without asking probing questions. If the bereaved wants to talk, let ’em. If not, leave ’em alone!
Let them know you are there for them and will help them in whatever capacity they need and keep your questions to yourself!
Believe me, the person will remember – and be grateful.
Do you have a similar experience or a comment? Share with me in the comments section and let’s get better together. Also, please feel free to share this post and spread the word. Let’s get more people educated so that we stop being unintentionally hurtful.
This is an enlightening post!
Truth is most people do the questioning thing by default, not knowing it has such grave effect on the close family of the bereaved.
Thanks for the education.
You are welcome, Williams. I am glad to see that you have been enlightened. Kindly share the post and spread the word. More people need to know.
Sweet sis. I feel you because I’ve crossed that bridge but I can guarantee you that you’ll feel same if no one asked at all. You will feel the world care less about your mom. You will ask if she was worthless to them and you’ll remember all the good she has done to people and tag them wicked or ingrate.
Sis , if you meet such person you will understand. The questioning is honestly because he some care and it is also to know how to sympathize. Even the group of pastors wives could control the situation because they have asked and have been told the full story hence helping him relieve the stress of remembering. But not having anyone ask can even be harmful. It can make one mean and bottled up like the world doesn’t care. It can push someone to suicide and misbehaviours.
Please accept my condolence.
That’s another perspective and it’s one I’ve wondered about. But I still feel we should leave it to the bereaved to decide.
I once had to condole with a grieving friend. All I did was show her how pained I was by her loss. She, of her own volition, shared the details of the incident. I never asked her. But I listened and was supportive.
I think that’s better than asking and probing. Also, people can show how much the departed meant to them by remembering the life he or she lived.
I honestly feel that rehashing the death instead of remembering and celebrating the person’s life is counterproductive.
Thank you so much for reading, ma’am and for your condolence.
I agree
Harmless as it may seem it triggers guilt
When my Mum in-law died I felt guilty, I should have paid more attention to her health, having to narrate what happened till date still takes it’s toll on me
Thank you for sharing. I once again commiserate with you on the loss of your mother-in-law. I hope we can get enough people to read this piece and through that, spark a change.
Simply powerful!
Thanks for sharing, Sis.
You’re welcome, bro. Thank you so much for reading.
Hmm well educated, I never knew this hurts until now because I ask out of concern but I now know better. Thanks so much for the enlightenment
Thank you for reading ma’am. I am glad it was of much benefit to you.
I agree with Oladele, we all ask those questions by default. Nevertheless,we need to be sensitive about the things we say when we visit a bereaved family.
Yes we need to be sensitive, sis. That sensitivity makes all the difference. Thank you for reading
Death! (smiles)..The truth, the promise, the end, the reality…(deep sigh). A very good shared piece from you. Well, I feel no one can still fully express the excruciating feeling of losing a loved one in letters as it simply throws one out of normal, also If you truly care about someone, their new of sudden demise should throw you out of consciousness probably a semi-mad man hence most of the things you say or questions asked are rhetorical. My point is it all depends on our individual level of maturity and mental strength; at the end I feel it is important to know the cause of death while sympathizing or consoling the bereaved but at the “right time” and it shouldn’t be an interrogation, the support should be main input. May God grant our lost ones eternal rest and give us the grace and sense to reflect and repent before the inevitable comes.
Amen to the prayers and thank you for your well-rounded response. It’s a honor to read from you. Thank you for reading.
Hmm…
Grief comes with a lot of ‘baggage’ that may change one’s life forever, if not carefully handled.
I did not really understand it until my dad’s passing.
Some questions are indeed unnecessary. But believe me, most people don’t mean any harm and some are indeed asking out of genuine concern.
For some of us, having to recount the story is like reliving the incident, which really hurts. For others, it is a way of releasing the pain, and receiving healing.
All the same, I agree that it is often better to simply keep quiet and just be present with our grieving loved ones, or speak life-giving words. No probing questions.
I totally agree with you, my dear friend. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your thoughts.